Spastic Monkeys

You know you’re Living in the Future when your television wants something from you.

This morning Sally told me she couldn’t get online from her lap top. She was newly home from a trip so I figured it was a stale ip cache or some such. Just as I walk into her office I see the Google search screen on her monitor. So a minor glitch averted.

I go upstairs to play Red Dead Redemption on the new big screen we got to replace the old piece of shit Sony big screen and when I turn it on, the first thing it asks for is the wireless access point.

This is the Future, when I yell down to Sally, “I think it was Comcast, because the TV is asking for the Internet.”

As part of my ongoing, yet halting, efforts to be creative at all times, produce creative things, and generally be the living embodiment of Apollo, I started reading Betty Edwards Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain.

Now, you could be thinking to yourself, “Self, Roger has artistic talent. I know because I’ve seen some of his stuff. He doesn’t need to read a book on how to draw.” And you would be right — to a point.

I do have talent and I can draw. I have a strong sense of perspective and I’m not afraid to use my understanding of negative space should the need arise. Really, you’d be surprised how often that skill is called upon in everyday life.

My talent is raw and unpolished, like Joe Biden giving a stump speech (hell, just opening his yap) and I have a strong desire to turn my talent into something that is refined and polished, like a 2007 Phelps Creek Pinor Noir Reserve Cuvee. Trust me, the simile is apt for the 2007 is the sweetest nectar of the Gods. It makes angels weep with joy.

Hence, the book. The first lesson is to draw three pictures, in which today’s post contains the first: a self-portrait; my hand; and someone I know from memory. Here is the self-portrait:

It’s a bit rough. I can see a lot of places for improvement. My use of line is inconsistent but overall, it’s not bad.  I think I captured the essence of me. For comparison, here is the photo I used as source material.

That photo is just a couple of days old so if you’ve been wondering what I look like these days, that’s it. I look a bit washed out, but that’s a function of the camera, not anything I’m doing beyond being a prime example of a middle-aged white male of Nordic ancestry. In short, a pasty white boy.

In taking a second look at that photo, it seems that Elizabeth Taylor is looking upon me with loving adoration. While I must confess that Cat On A Hot Tin Roof-era Elizabeth Taylor lavishing affections upon my person is a holodeck fantasy of mine, it is merely coincidental that she was placed there on my book shelf when I took the photo.

No. Really.

The anticipation had been building for weeks. Its been two years since my last one, two long years.

You don’t really think about not having one, not being able to have one AT ALL when there’s just no way to get one and the nearest is at least an 8 hour drive south. Every once in a while you think about not being able to just go to the nearest restaurant and have one whenever you want and the sheer injustice of it all gets the better of you.

So you go online to the web site and send off a nicely worded request to please “GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER and open up a store in Portland. It’s about time. Despite what you might have heard, not everyone is a tree-hugging, granola and bark eating vegetarian. After all, the local chain Burgerville seems to do okay and their burgers suck, SUCK like a two-dollar whore on 82nd. You should open one on the east side, say on Sunnyside would be great, but I’d settle for the east side of Beaverton, if need be. The drive would be worth it.”
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Thirteen years ago today, I married Sally. She’s the hot one holding hands with the goofy looking red head. It’s been thirteen wondrous years together, full of love and fun and joy. I look forward to the rest of my life with her.

The photo is from our ten year anniversary. For that, we got dressed up and invited a few of our closest friends to celebrate with us. As I recall, a grand time was had by all and the wine flowed freely, as you can clearly see in my eyes. What can I say, it was good wine. Life is too short not to have good wine and frankly Oregon makes a wide variety of good wine, of which a representative sample was had that day.

I think I’ve made my point here. Oh and rather than receive gifts, we held a raffle, making sure every single person and every couple left with something.

I love you sweetie.