March 2008

The Catholic Church has added seven new sins to the original seven mortal sins. I can’t name the original seven off the top of my head and frankly I’m too damned lazy to look them up now. They were mentioned in the various articles about this latest idiocy from a Christian sect which has been rapidly losing relevancy in this modern world, mainly from its own efforts, so if you really want to know what they are, go look them up. I can’t be bothered.

Anyway, here they are:

polluting

Whatever you do, DON’T FART.

Seriously, I remember doing some research years ago on some earth science requirements I needed for school or a merit badge or something, and the guy I was working with said something that has stuck with me all these years. Everything we do during the course of a day pollutes the environment. Step outside in the morning to get the paper and breathe out and BAM you’ve polluted the environment. The question is to what degree and whether the pollution is permanent or can be mitigated.

genetic engineering

“Igor! Igor! Put fluffy back in the cage! No, no, he doesn’t bite. Putting your head in his mouth is his way of sharing his love. Igor — Fluffy! Put Igor down! Fluffy! Bad Fluffy! Bad!

obscene riches

Does that mean Donald Trump can no longer justify his combover as an affectation of a rich eccentric prick? One man’s obscene riches is another’s reward for being successful. I, for one, consider highly successful and obscenely rich people role models for fuck’s sake because I would very much like to be highly successful and obscenely rich myself one day. Having money makes life so much easier than not. Therefore, having an obscene amount of money will make life obscenely easy. In this case, I suspect the Church is working from the assumption that having obscene riches yourself harms others. This is a stupid idea.

taking drugs

You can take my coffee from my cold, dead hands. Not before.

abortion

Not a surprise to me. Frankly, I can’t think of anything snarky to say here given the conflict I have with it personally. Read Freakonomics before you judge.

pedophilia

Strong bit of Irony here. The Church has just admitted what the rest of us has known for years, that the Church itself is going to hell. Woot!

social injustice
Alright! We’ll never have to put up with Paris Hilton, the Olsen Twins, or Nancy Pelosi’s face. Ever again!

Click the blue words to take the whizz quiz:

The following will come as no surprise to some of my friends who read this, all 2 of you.

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You’d be forced to wear clothes straight out of a Hanna-Barbera cartoon.

It’s lunchtime and I’m starving.

Across the street from the office is a row of food carts. I’m thinking Tom Yum soup from the good Thai cart but I’m really hungry and I know it won’t last into the afternoon so I go to the Los Locos Burritos cart because they have really good chicken soft tacos. I can get three and a soda for the same price as their 2 taco combo and avoid the rice and beans I won’t eat anyway.

It’s a little after noon and the side walk is crowded with hungry people. The popular carts have lines bisecting the sidewalk the undecided bob and weave through and the committed huddle in little groups by the curb, waiting for their chicken tika and naan, philly cheese steak (damned good, a guilty pleasure), or burritos, maybe a salad or soup. The Thai cart is near the end of the row on the right and the Mexican place I decide to go to is the second from the left.

As I walk out the building courtyard into the early Spring sunlight, I hear some off key singing. I jaywalk across the street toward the the crazy little donkeys and realize the weatherman is a lying shit for forecasting 60 degrees and sunny. It’s sunny but no way is it 60, not with that wind blowing through the artificial canyon walls. The dude producing all the noise is a scruffy black guy with a guitar. His anemic attempts at the blues stabs the air around him, but I’m too hungry to care that much as a I order my food.

It takes a few minutes for my food to come up. I’m suffering in silence with the rest of the multitude at this guy’s voice and cursing the weatherman under my breath. Sixty degrees, my ass. From the left, a mother slowly pushes her stroller through the crowd. The business end of the leash tied to the stroller trails a long-haired dachshund who does not look happy at all the tall people with big feet crowding around. The poor thing walks a drunken line as it tries to keep its distance from, well, everything.

As the stroller passes the guy croaking out something resembling a tune, he leans down toward the dog. The dog looks up and gives him one good bark, right in the guy’s face, before trotting away.

I smile and think, “Well done, sir canine. Well done.”