April 2006

I really don’t know what to say about this, other than to note that one should never be surprised at the depths of human stupidity.

You know it’s springtime in Portland when:

• Rockbottom Brewery and The Lotus put out their sidewalk tables.
• I drove the ’stang with the top down for the first time since October.
• The grass needs mowing again, and it’s not pretty.

The first is more of an indication of spring rather than a sign. The tables have been out for almost a month but there have been quite a few cold and rainy days. Portlanders skoff at rain, but aren’t so crazy as to sit in it to drink beer.

What can I say? Driving with the top down ROCKS!

The last was a doosy for me. Looking back, I realized I hadn’t had to mow grass in 4-1/2 years. I’ve simple not had yards with grass until now. Yesterday was the trek to Home Depot to buy a new lawnmower and I will admit to getting a bit excited at the thought of a new toy. We bought a shiny new Briggs and Stratton 6.5 horsepower (arrrr-arrr), lawnmower with mulching capability (arrr-arrr), rear catch bag (arr-arr) with optional side discharge (arr-arr-arr).

My heart sang with manly joy as I lightly skimmed the safety and operating instructions and tossed the manual aside to fill the the mower with oil and gas for the very first time. I practically skipped as I pushed the mower to the end of the driveway and prepared for the very first pull of the engine cord. This model had no priming bubble (arrr-arrr-arrr) and the engine purred to life at the very first yank of the cord.

I started with the grass strips along the sidewalk. Three quick passes. Done! Now the side yard. Done! So far the mower chewed through the grass like a starving fat man in an all you can eat buffet line. I finished the side yard and it sat there purring contentedly, clearly undaunted by what I had given it to do so far. Come on, it seemed to say, is this wussy flat stuff all you got?

Next was the front yard. Our house is build on a flat plot of land above the street, our front yard slopes up toward the house on two sides of the corner lot. This would be the mower’s first challenge. How would it handle the steepest part of the slope near the bottom? How will it maneuver around our newly installed picket fence at the bottom of the slope? Will it stil be hungry for the thick 8 inch tuffs of grass? Let’s see what you’ve got now, mower!

I start out at the top near the front door and take her along the top edge of the grass, around the corner to the end of our lot. So far no problem. The grass is thick but the mower just eats it all with ease. I make the turn at the end and come back around. Another turn and the mower starts to sputter and slow. Hmm. I let go of the dead man switch and check the catch bag. Completely full. The cut grass is damp and heavy and resists my efforts at dumping it in the grass bin. After a few up and down shakes of the bag, the grass gives up the fight and falls into the bin with a heavy thump. The smell of new mown grass fills my nose.

I pull the cord, the engine starts right up and off we go. By the third pass we’ve come to the large oval flowerbed at the corner of our yard. This provides a natural separation between the front portion and the side portion of the yard. I decide to continue with the front portion besause the slope here is more pronounced. I work my way down the slope to the edge and hit my first obstacle.

As I work the mower down the slope to the edge, I slip on the wet grass and nearly lose my footing. The mower hits the fence. I struggle to maneuver the mower parallel to the fence. I can’t get a clean edge because the slope’s angle conspires with gravity to make the mower want to continue downhill. I use all my strength to push the mower along the edge of the fence, fighting to keep a straight line, but gravity wins and the mower rolls into the fence. I pull the mower back and brute force the mower straight before gravity wins again. This process is repeated all along the bottom edge of the fence. By the time I’m done with that front section, I’m sweating buckets despite the cool spring temperatures and I’ve lost a bit of the cocky bravado I had at the start.

All through the front yard, the mower keeps eating the grass, no problem. The steady purr of the engine mocks me in my struggles, as if to say ‘Slope? What slope? All I see is grass. What’s the problem? A little out of shape are we?’

I get through the front portion of the yard and move to the side portion. When I started, I figured 10, 15 minutes, tops, but I’ve had to dump the grass bag four times now and my arms are starting to complain and it’s been a half hour. Plus, clouds are rolling in, showers are expected, and dark is falling. I fear I won’t be able to get the back yard done in time.
All the while, the mower just purrs along.

I start on the back yard finally. I figure this part will be a breeze. It’s all flat back there. Still, by this time, the grass bin is nearly full and getting to be a bitch to push around on the damp grass. The mower just sits contently waiting as I get the grass bin into the back yard.

The streetlights have come on and the clouds have completely covered the sky by the time I finish the back yard. The grass bin is filled to the brim and my arms are jello from pushing the mower back and forth across a yard that seems to have grown in size as I traversed it.

I empty the grass catcher for the last time and push the mower into it’s new resting place in the garage. I hear the clicks and pings of the engine cooling and realize I’ve been humbled.

The feeling you get listening to live reggae!

Jah Rastafari!

Here’s the thing.

I have nothing against people from Mexico coming up here to make a better life for themselves. America, despite the current state of affairs, is still the Land of Opportunity(tm) for anyone willing to work hard and play by the rules. That’s the key, play by the rules.

The thing that really gets me pissed off about this is all of those who come here illegally and act entitled, ENTITLED, to those things reserved for citizens of this county. As if by the mere fact of their presence here they can claim the same rights and entitlements given to American citizens. It’s our own damn fault really. A big part of the American psyche is embodied in the slogan etched on the statue of Liberty. Well, given an inch and take a mile they say, and all those illegals are taking 10 or 15.

Many of them go so far as to say that pretty much all of the southwest belongs to Mexico anyway, that we stole it and it’s high time America gives it back. That all those illegals are just coming back to claim territory that was theirs anyway. I call bullshit on that one. I was born in southern California. I am a NATIVE. I am not Mexican. Does that mean that if southern California became part of Mexico again that I would be grandfathered in as a Mexican citizen?

Right, that would happen. Do you know what the Mexican constitution says about the rights of foreigners and naturalized citizens living in Mexico? Here’s a summary:

• Immigrants and foreign visitors are banned from public political discourse.
• Immigrants and foreigners are denied certain basic property rights.
• Immigrants are denied equal employment rights.
• Immigrants and naturalized citizens will never be treated as real Mexican citizens.
• Immigrants and naturalized citizens are not to be trusted in public service.
• Immigrants and naturalized citizens may never become members of the clergy.
• Private citizens may make citizens arrests of lawbreakers (i.e., illegal immigrants)
and hand them to the authorities.
• Immigrants may be expelled from Mexico for any reason and without due process.

Sounds like Mexico is pretty tough on anyone not a citizen. We’re pretty limp wristed in comparison.

The illegals are coming up here to make a better life for themselves. They are encouraged in large part by such bastions of brains as Ted Kennedy and their own president, Vicente Fox. The leader of their county wants his people to come here and leach off the good will of the American people because his county is a corrupt cesspool and he either lacks the will to fix things or is part of the problem.

So let’s do this: Grant amnesty to those who are here now. No one is questioning their work ethic or their desire to improve their lives. Then we tell Vicente Fox that he no longer has America as a safety valve and that he MUST clean his own house. Then we build that fence.

I saw the front page photo on USA Today, a close up of the ‘crowds’ of illegal immigrants demanding US citizenship. They say they deserve to be U.S. citizens because they are contributing members of our society.

Fair enough. So let’s get the paperwork started for all of them. They can then all go back to Mexico to wait while their app is processed. If they attempt to sneak back in before then, they automatically lose their place in line and, rather than deporting them, we toss their ass in jail. There is a lot of freeway that needs to be clean.

Granted this is complex issue and I fully admit that some part of what I say is coming out of my ass partly due to not much sleep, but I submit to you, not much.

One of my all time favorite books is Replay by Ken Grimwood. It was a late discovery for me. My sister-in-law recommended it one lazy afternoon last summer at the coast. She thought it was out of print. It wasn’t. In fact, Powell’s has several copies. The book is fantastic, hooks you on the first page and you find yourself thinking about it long after you’ve finished it. I highly recommend it.

Anyway, nothing much was known about the author, Ken Grimwood. I figured he was a one-hit wonder, wrote the book and went about the business of his life. Heh. Little did I know. Another of my favorite authors, Dan Simmons, mentions him on his website, and mentions that he died in 2003. This surprised me, so I looked up Grimwood on Wikipedia. Turns out, while not prolific in a Stephen King sort of way, he did write other books that look intriguing.

What disappoints me the most is this:

At the time of his death, he was writing a sequel to Replay.

That would have been a damn fine book and I’m sad to know that it may never see the light of day.

A deputy press secretary attached to the Transportation Safety Administration has been nabbed in a child porn sting.

Isn’t that special!

The news just keeps getting better and better. What with the billion dollar Unisys debacle I really feel like my government is working for me, you know?